How to Support a Loved One Through Infertility
If you’ve struggled through infertility, you know all too well what a lonely and isolating journey it can be. And if you’ve decided to share your struggle with your friends and family, the hope is that they are fully there to support you. Unfortunately, unless you have been through it, I don’t think anyone truly gets it. If you haven’t cried month after month, year over year after every failed pregnancy test, every dreaded period, every pregnancy announcement, or every loss, you don’t fully understand.
Over the years of trying to get pregnant, so many of my close friends were having babies. In fact, Kayla and I were trying at the same time when she got pregnant with Nora. I kept thinking “ok next month it’s my turn!” Unfortunately my time didn’t come until we had success with IVF almost three years later. I remember being so incredibly excited for Kayla. Excited for every friend that was pregnant. But there was always a part of me that was heartbroken. I wondered if I was a bad person for crying over someone else being pregnant. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I wasn’t in the wrong. I was allowed to be upset. I was allowed to be angry. I was allowed to be happy for my friends. I was allowed to wish that I too was pregnant. I was allowed to feel how I felt. Wishing that I was pregnant didn’t mean that I wished they weren’t.
Speaking candidly, once people knew I was trying to have a baby, they would say things that I just couldn’t believe. I knew deep down people weren’t saying these things with malice in their hearts, but there are some things you just shouldn’t say to someone who is dealing with infertility or loss.
When you are trying to have a baby, you are consumed. Consumed with shame, guilt, failure, devastation. And then you shut down. You isolate yourself even further. Isolate yourself from having to hear one more person ask “when you are starting a family”, or say “you aren’t getting any younger.”
For some reason, infertility and loss are still taboo subjects. People don’t talk about it. If we’re not talking about it, we don’t change the perception around it. So I want to talk about it. I want to talk about how you can be there for those around you who may be struggling. And I want to highlight a few things that you may think are innocent and helpful, but I would encourage you not to say.
Let’s start with things I found helpful when I was struggling to get pregnant. These are the things I would really encourage you to do or say to offer support:
1. Do random check ins and
I’m not suggesting you call them up and say “hey are you pregnant yet or what?”, but if you know someone who is struggling to get pregnant, check in on them. A simple text to say “I’ve been thinking about you. How are you doing?” can really go a long way.
2. Ask them what they need from you
Some people want to talk about it and find it therapeutic. Others find it easier to keep to themselves. And not everyone who experiences infertility will deal with it the same way. Knowing how they want to be treated is really best.
3. Send a thoughtful card or gift.
When my first round of IUI failed, Kayla sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a lovely card to my work. It was such a nice gesture of support.
4. If you’re announcing a pregnancy to someone who has been struggling, consider sending them separate text message rather than telling them in person or in a group chat.
I was waiting to find out if our IVF was successful when my best friend sent me a text and told me they were expecting baby number three. Of course, I was so incredibly happy for them, but I sat there and cried. By him sending me a text, I was able to take my moment to process my feelings, and respond in a way that he knew I was genuinely happy.
5. Let them know it’s okay to be sad and angry.
We can get so into our heads and start to feel extremely guilty for being angry and sad. Offering reassurance and validating these feelings can offer a big sigh of relief.
Sometimes, despite our best intentions, we say things that may seem helpful and supportive, but really they cause more harm than good. Some things not to say to someone who is struggling:
1. Don’t say “it’ll happen! Just stop stressing out and relax!”
I can’t stress this enough. Please please please don’t tell someone to just stop trying and relax. It’s not supportive and it’s not helpful.
2. Don’t say “Are you sure you want kids? Take mine for the night! They’re a lot of work!”
Please don’t try to make light of the situation. I can assure you it is no laughing matter. We’d love to be up all night with a baby instead of being up all night crying over not having one.
3. Don’t say “Why don’t you stop trying and adopt?”
For a lot of people, adoption is at the far end of the spectrum or isn’t an option. It’s not a rude question to ask, but if you’re going to ask, think about phrasing it differently “what are your thoughts on adoption?”
4. Don’t say “Everything happens for a reason. Maybe now just isn’t your time”.
This seems like a very supportive comment, but if this is really true, and everything does happen for a reason, then you are forced to accept the fact that having a baby may not be in the cards. That realization or even that thought is so incredibly difficult to bare when all you want is to start a family.
5. Don’t say “It will happen when it’s meant to.”
Again I know there is no malice here, but this isn’t helpful or comforting at all.
I’ve you’ve been guilty of saying something on my “not to say” list, you are definitely not alone, and it doesn’t make you a bad person. Please try to remember there is no guidebook on dealing with infertility, so offering kindness and support goes a long way.
I hope you found this to be helpful as you navigate through supporting someone in their infertility journey.
