My Infertility Journey

Ashley’s journey through infertility

I was one of those women who always assumed that if and when I wanted to have a baby, it would just happen. Like most of us, I tried my hardest NOT to get pregnant until the moment I knew I was ready. I think from a young age we are constantly warned that it takes “just one time” of not wearing protection to get pregnant. Don’t get me wrong, this is absolutely the right message to send especially to young girls, but I think it really messed with my head when that didn’t happen for me. 

This is undoubtedly the most personal post I will ever write. My husband and I got married in September 2014 and started trying to have a baby right away. I had my IUD removed about six months before we got married, was taking my pre-natal vitamins and learning all I needed to know about ovulation. After a few months of being unsuccessful, the type A in me came out in full force, and I was constantly researching ovulation, basal body temperatures, cervical mucus (gross, right?), and really just becoming BFF’s with my cervix. I became completely obsessed with trying everything I could to get pregnant. I tried acupuncture, yoga, meditation, ovulation sticks, pregnancy apps, period trackers…you name it. Fast forward to the fall of 2015; we weren’t pregnant and we knew we needed some answers. After going to my family doctor, she agreed to refer us to Heartland Fertility Clinic. 

Throughout 2016, we attended Heartland for various appointments and tests. We did the standard HSG test where they shoot dye through your cervix, into your uterus and finally into your fallopian tubes to see if there are any blockages. Let me tell you, the cramps that followed the dye test were no joke. Hubby had to “do his thing” in a cup, which compared to the dye test, I’m going to say is a treat. All of our tests came back normal, and I was put on a drug intended to induce ovulation. 

Naturally, by this time, we had been married for two years and the questions started flooding in. “When are you two starting a family?”, “Better not wait too long to have babies” “Don’t you want kids” “What’s taking so long?”. After a while it seemed as though we had a rehearsed answer “Ya... we’ll see what happens!” with an awkward nervous laugh and immediately changing the subject. Though my favourite comments were from those who knew we were struggling. “Oh just relax! It will happen when it happens!” “You just need to stop thinking about it and you’ll get pregnant!” Oh! Ok! Geez why didn’t I think of that?!? Sure, I’m taking my basal body temperature every morning before I get out of bed, peeing on sticks randomly throughout the month, tracking my ovulation, every cramp, period and weird feeling in an app, going back and forth to the fertility clinic for tests, having sex on a schedule…but ya I’ll TOTALLY put it out of my head! (insert eye roll emoji here).

By the beginning of 2017, we still hadn’t gotten pregnant and our Fertility Specialist wanted to perform a Laparoscopy to get a closer look at my fallopian tubes, uterus and cervix. I had the surgery in the spring of 2017 and they discovered that I had endometrioses. With the endometrioses came a lot of scar tissue that they needed to remove. I’m not going to lie, that was a painful recovery. Even though it was a laparoscopic procedure, it was quite invasive in terms of the removal of scar tissue. After I had recovered from my surgery, Heartland wanted to wait another six months to see if we would be able to get pregnant on our own. Spoiler alert: we didn’t. 

At this point, we were pretty broken. My heart was shattered that we weren’t getting pregnant, and I felt like I was letting us down. I can’t really explain the feeling of failure. I felt like my body was failing me. That I was failing my husband. That I was failing myself. We decided we would give IUI a chance, and if that didn’t work after two or three attempts, we would move to IVF. IUI did not work. We had two failed rounds in October and November of 2017. I don’t know why, but I was so optimistic during our first round of IUI. I was so mad at myself because for the first time in years, I let myself get hopeful. I actually believed that this was going to work. I was devastated. Broken. We agreed to try IUI once more, and I didn’t make the same mistake twice. So when it didn’t work, I wasn’t surprised. I was just numb. 

January 2018…a new year…a new hope…we were ready to try IVF. Mentally preparing to give myself injections every single day was not pleasant. I remember standing in the kitchen with my husband with my medications mixed, needle in hand, and taking about 15 minutes before I actually gave myself the injection. I won’t go into the full IVF process, but essentially you are giving yourself multiple injections daily for 8-14 days to stimulate your ovaries, and going into the clinic every other day so the doctors can check how many follicles you have to get an approximation on how many eggs will be retrieved. The last step is an injection to mature the eggs and one to make sure you don’t ovulate too soon. It’s a crazy precise science, which is probably why it’s so damn expensive.  

On January 28th, 2018, I had my egg retrieval. I was so happy when I was told they had retrieved ten eggs! Ten chances for my eggs to turn into viable embryos. My hope came back. Once the eggs are retrieved, they are put with the sperm to fertilize. Then you wait an extremely painful 24 hours for a phone call from the clinic to see how many eggs actually fertilized and turned into embryos. We got the call the next day and were told only four of our ten eggs fertilized. Once again my heart broke. At that moment, and I still remember it like it was yesterday, I felt as though we were never going to have a baby. I thought if we already are down to less than half of what we had yesterday, how in the hell can we hope that these four embryos can grow into the blastocyst stage (a day five transfer) that’s needed for the transfer? The nurse called two days later and said we would be coming in on February 2nd for our embryo transfer. The day of the transfer, they told us our little embryo was the highest grade text book embryo. I was so happy to hear that, but I didn’t want to get too excited. And then, the dreaded but all too familiar waiting game started. They have you go in for bloodwork 11 days after the transfer. Now, they recommend that you do not use any at home pregnancy tests during this time, since it is possible to get a false positive from all the hormones you have just been injecting into your body. So, I didn’t. I didn’t test. I decided I was going to wait and get my bloodwork done at the lab, and wait for the nurse to call me. Those 11 days were hell. I had major anxiety, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, and I couldn’t focus on anything. We had just spent thousands of dollars on IVF, literally put all of my eggs into one basket, and we knew what was at stake. 

Fast forward to February 13th. I was at work sitting in my office staring at my phone, waiting for it to ring. It rang. I knew the “unknown caller” was the clinic, since they had called me twice before to tell me that my IUI’s failed. My heart was racing, my voice was shaking, and the nurse told me that we were going to have a baby. I started bawling, and I swear I asked her about five times if she was sure. She was sure! She even told me our estimated due date. I was in shock. I grabbed my purse, got into my car and left work to go home. My husband was coming off of nights and was trying to sleep, though he couldn’t since he was waiting for the news. I came in the bedroom and told him we were going to have a baby and we both just cried. It’s one of those moments I will never forget. All those years of heartache and struggle, finally resulted in pregnancy. 

On October 13, 2018, our beautiful baby boy Mason came into this world. When I look at him, all of that pain and heartache goes away. All the tests, pills, hormones, injections, surgery…I would do them 20 times over if it meant I would get to be Mason’s mommy. 

So why did I share my story? Two main reasons. First, I want to provide some hope to those who are struggling with infertility. It’s something I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. And until you have been through it, you don’t really understand it. If you are going through it, know that you are not alone. And though my experience with infertility ends with IVF, there are so many others who have made their families through surrogacy, adoption, egg donation, the list goes on. A film on Netflix that I wish was talked about more is “One More Shot”. I would strongly recommend anyone suffering with infertility to watch it. And, for those who have loved ones who are going through it, watch it! It gives such a realistic view of what infertility is really like. 

My second reason is simply a reminder to be kind. You never know what someone is struggling with. Chances are, someone close to you is going through a silent struggle. If you know couples who have been married awhile and don’t have kids, don’t ask. Some can’t, some don’t want, some have had to face unbearable loss. Please be mindful as you wonder whether or not someone else will be starting a family. 

I am so thankful for each and every one of you who took the time to read this post. If you are out there struggling, know that you are not alone.